“You Want to be a What?” -A Husband's Perspective
So, dear husband, your wife just stated that she was thinking about helping another couple with achieving their family dreams, and you casually turned slightly toward her, while your eyes were still fixed on the college game, and you said “that’s nice honey”. Then she used the s-word, surrogate, and you choked on your adult beverage. Unprepared, you spat out “you want to be a what!?” She quickly threw comforting phrases at you like “it’s only 9 months” and “my body will recover” and “our kids will understand”, intending to make you feel better, and you realized this would test your relationship. What will you say next?
Let me assure you that I know how you feel in your situation, having faced it twice myself. In case you’re curious, the second time was even harder! Luckily, I have genetics that actually allows my gray matter to churn some thought before my mouth opens and so, I let her talk it out before I responded. It was actually pretty easy once I took a deep breath, or maybe several, and just started with an internal dialog of “OK, big strong husband, what does she need from you right now?”
The obvious answer was patience and support. Has she supported your move away from all her family and friends for a new career? Did she manage the home for 16 hours a day while you went back to school to get that degree? Here’s your chance to be a good man and support her on something that is really important to her, and very important to another family. And have a backbone in front of her parents, and when telling your parents, and with any well-intentioned friends that point out all the things that could go wrong. Why am I giving you this advice, you may ask? Because, if you choose to support her, your relationship will grow stronger, your marriage will last, and a new family may be created from her gift.
Joe LaMothe
Sharon’s DH (and I do mean Dear Husband!)